Traveling in Shame

Why am I surrounded by ugly people at the airport? I believe that my everlasting mantra is to only be surrounded by beautiful people, at all hours of the day. My my, do I miss sorority.

Okay, let me lay it out for you: Shower and wash your face. Shave where appropriate. Brush your teeth, eat healthy, exercise and smile. Don't forget to get dressed in the morning, either. In no case is it acceptable to wear a cowboy hat as large as your entire upper body indoors (let alone in the airport!), and ugly piercings will not do either.

Now I know that conflicts do arise from time to time. I would like to add that, if in any case you DO have to look ridiculous, please wear a sign that clearly states so. For example, due to a strained ankle I am obligated to walk around in running shoes everywhere I go. I happily wear a sign (really, one piece of paper on either side of me held together by red string) that says "I apologize for my appearance. I have a strained ankle."

Is that so difficult?

It's like they roll out of bed, put on a backwards cap to cover up their greasy hair, and like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so.

I don't get the way girls dress these days. Just about every girl in my class (and I stress girl, not woman) walks into class with a blouse and underwear on, and flip-flops. And that's it. What I want to tell every one of them is, "I don't want to see your underwear. If I did, I would date you. (Except that I don't swing that way.)" Sure, they're wearing boyshorts and not thongs, but on a level of respect, is it SO hard to put on a pair of pants? A skirt would be fine, too, as long as it covers up more than what their underwear is covering up. Where do these girls think they are? Their bedrooms? Their boyfriends' dorm rooms? I mean, COME ON. Get dressed, please. It would make my college experience so much pleasanter. Just because you're away from Mommy and Daddy doesn't give you the right to put every sane person on this earth through torture. It's worse than nails on a chalkboard...this lasts all day, every day. No breaks. And because it's perpetually hot in the swampland, chances of this changing in the "winter" are slim to none.

Secondly, I can't understand why they are admitted into the classroom dressed like that. If I were a professor, I would kick them out before they even entered the room, and tell them to come back when they're dressed. Of course this would make these entitled children choke on their gum, but it would be necessary. I'd risk my job to teach a valuable life lesson; There's a time and place for it all. And this is not the time, or the place. I'd say, "Try the strip clubs on Bourbon Street; you'll be sure to meet a nice guy there."

Owls (Not) in the Classroom

This time, Professor brought a paperweight to class. It was owl-shaped. Half of the class cracked up, one girl much louder than others.

"Haha! The owl on your desk!" she screeched and pointed to the toy.

I don't remember seeing an owl on the desk, or hearing any owl hoots, or smelling or seeing bird shit all over the room, or having an allergic reaction to some sort of animal.

Professor had a similar reaction. "It's not an owl. This is plastic shaped to look like an owl."

At which point, the majority of the class broke out in laughter, and couldn't shut up for minutes. Save the professor, and myself. So I rolled my eyes, put on my sunglasses, and waited. Next!

U.F.O.'s and Oil Spills

Professor mentioned that there was a UFO sighting in China a couple of weeks ago. How did this relate to Kantian ethical theories again? Whatever. One classmate then followed up with a detailed account of the story. [Author's note: Thank you for stalling.] In his own words, "There was a UFO sighting in China two weeks ago!"

The response to which Smartie proceeded by saying, "That's what caused the oil spill in the Gulf!" ZOMG! Why didn't we think of that? Thanks for solving our mystery, Smartie. BP, all charges have now officially been dropped. Now time to find those humanoids! Where were they again? 33 million light-years away? Okay, we've got a lead.

Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?

While explaining to the class the different types of definitions there are - I thought I learned this in 5th grade. I guess the rest of the country didn't - the professor next wrote on the board, "theoretical." For reasons I can't explain, he asked the class, "Now what word do you see in 'theoretical?'" Seconds later, a girl a few rows back shouted out, "THEORY!!!" as if she were on a game show. Perhaps, Fox's, "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?" I'm not sure who would've been more eager to answer the question. The girl in my class, or the 5th grader.

Dear Professor

Thank you for introducing me to the term "featherless biped." I could not have come up with this on my own, no matter how long I would never try. Another great piece of outstanding information I will definitely need to know for the rest of my life. I can't wait to confuse my friends when referring to "that featherless biped I met the other night." This is sure to secure a lot of gentlemen callers. Thanks, professor!! You're the best! :)

The Smartest Girl In Class

I recently had the pleasure of sitting next to the smartest girl in class. She made it clear that she is omniscient and therefore already knew everything the professor has said/will be teaching. The girl behind her was baffled by this, and wanted to know her secrets of figuring out the mysteries of the classroom answers. Happily, the smartest girl in class turned around and amused her.

"How do I learn this material?" the girl behind the smartest girl in class asked.

"Well, in order to learn it, it's just one of those things where you either get it or you don't. And it's really easy once you get it. I'm sorry you don't get it, but I get it, so it's really easy for me. You just need to get it and that way you'll know it, and it'll be easy for you once you get it," the smartest girl in class replied.

Phew, thank goodness! Couldn't have done it without you, babe.